My battle with Breast Cancer is very personal to me because it was my wake up call that I was not on purpose and I was not living my life fully present in my body. Things began to look different through the eyes of breast cancer.
I was very heavy, unhappy in my job, and my life felt empty without purpose. Having been diagnosed was the scariest day of my life and my experienced changed me profoundly on every level of my being. I am actually a completely different person today, 4 years later with a new healthy body, and a new outlook on my life. It was my call to come back to me and fight for my life. Not just against cancer but to be and live the life I had put on hold for others.
I believe sometimes that since Cancer has become unfortunately more common in our modern society that people have a tendency to compare their cancers to other people they know who have or had cancer. Human beings have this need to put things into manageable buckets so they may feel OK and comfortable. The truth is there are no easy simple buckets for cancer. Cancer is messy, unique and personal. It is scary, life altering and painful. The reality and truth about breast cancer for me is that my journey and experience with the disease is all mine, and I never impose my set of experiences on someone recently diagnosed. All I can do is be an ear to listen, to relay what I went through, to make suggestions, and that they will have to have their own unique journey, because really no one has the exact same body or the same disease, genetics, hormones, Doctors, Hospital or set of circumstances, so one truly can not compare.
Sometimes, I don’t feel like I am qualify to speak about Breast Cancer or my experience with actually having had it, as I know many women who are my friends and acquaintances who have suffered more than I. My experience with Breast Cancer started by hearing through my Mother, how her cousin died of the disease, leaving small children behind, and her mention of other woman who started getting it more regularly throughout my early life.
When, I was 22, only two short years after my Father past away from Lung Cancer, my Mother was diagnosed with the disease, and my Mother actually died after a 10 year battle with breast cancer. I on the other hand lived after 8 weeks of intensive radiation treatment, and operated on by surgeons in Chicago to remove cancerous cells in my right breast. I lagged physically behind my healthy friends and coworkers for six months after the treatment due to so much exposure to radiation, painfully burned on the upper right hand side of my chest area and exhausted all the time. My bed was my lover and closest companion.
People around me expected me to be more happy and upbeat, I was taken back by their insensitivities and common remarks as if cancer is a flavor that most people should try out once in their life to see if they like it or not. I had to learn to stand up for my needs, with my friends and family. They were scared, and my breast cancer not only reminded them of my importance in their life, but how fragile their lives are and how life can change in an instant. I was a reminder of their deep-seated fears of life and death and the sooner I was ok the better, so they could go back to not worrying about Carolyn.
Why did I feel that my cancer wasn’t bad enough? Is it because I didn’t have to have chemo? Lose my hair, suffer more than I did? Yes, to all of the above. But the truth is, I did suffer and still do every time I get a mammogram. I even had to have another biopsy a year ago on my left Breast this time because now, I’m in the system and they watch me like a hawk. I was fine but it took them putting two more holes in me to find that out. The medical community instills fear as if it is its own disease. I felt from the minute I was diagnosed, I instantly became a part of “the medical system,” riding their wave of treatment laid out for me, that my body was my enemy and it was out of control and must be stopped.
For me, and I’m not saying all cancer is the same in anyway because there are many causes for cancer, but for me, my body was and is not out of control, it was telling me I was out of balance, that I had been neglecting it emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I think it must have felt that it was time to go. I had to make the commitment to re-embrace my life and not just live but really LIVE! Live on purpose. Now everyday and night, I say how I am grateful. I speak to Spirit and ask how I maybe of service, how I can serve. I thank God and Mother Earth for my perfect health and another year of being cancer free.
The things I came away with from having breast cancer, and being my Mother’s caretaker over the 10 years, is that you are in charge. You decide, you have to speak up for yourself and be your own advocate. When I was burned on the radiation machine, I had exposed skin, so I made sure that no one touched me without gloves, and that they had sterilized the machine. I asked them everyday. One day, the machine did touch me and I wound up with an infection that scared me terribly. I remember being so sad that I had tried to protect myself and failed. The Doctors pretended they have rarely seen that type of scar and it turned out I have seen several from other women. Now, the red web-like scar on my right breast is to me is a daily reminder, that I am here, I am a fighter, I am a courageous soul who does her very best to protect herself and her loved ones, who embraces life, her purpose and does everything in her power to embrace the day and all of its wonder and abundance.
How are you living your life courageously? I would love to hear how.
Please comment below.
Love & Light,
Carolyn
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